Just human.Just me.

...diary.Writing about the amount of time you talked to someone for.Getting angry at people for they have showed you down at some point or the other and have thus lead you to form a belief  that whatever they do,it's supposed to be better than yours for they are better or at least that is what they've always tried to tell you.Crying.Feeling helpless about someone, something, that you could've changed but can't any more or never could have and never would. Not sharing, not talking,  not listening, not allowing others the privelege to know you any more than that stranger walking down the road. Thinking too much, the intensity incredible but highlighting only the negatives.Wanting to break out, break through, break free. Not wanting to be held back. Thinking about life, the existence of it all, rules withing rules and again am lost, know not where. You ask me what is it that I am always so busy thinking about and where am I lost.. the answer..I know not what, I know not where..Rude.Only when I am defeated, from inside. And hurt, not wanting to say why. The hard-turtle-like-shell might protect the vulnerable core,might just. Not wanting to point mistakes out, neither wanting to hurt nor to please...freeing self from any guilt,somehow..know not how..It's an illusion, I say..all that love, all that care, all those relations..I lost faith in them since time immemorial. "Be selfish. Stop living in an ideal world", they shake me hard and tell me. I stare straight ahead, not knowing what to say , not wanting to know how to deal for the "ideal" world's the world I've always known and I shan't know anything beyond. They tell me lots more..I nod and move ahead,walk alone,don't look back..not wanting to see no one waiting for the so called "sanity" to return,for the "dirty-realization" to strike.. Waves lapping at my feet,warm hug from a someone who pretends to cares..serene  disturbing..the warmth I am not used to, the cold gaze, I look for."Why don't you share?" I don't know what to. I supress, supress it hard and it goes away, so what, if only for a lil' while..it's comforting nevertheless(at least more than talking to someone) and it tells me that it's gone but it betrays, the feeling.. it so did promise to come back again and lived up to it..didn't it?Every bit of it, the anger, the hurt, the tears, the annoyance and I am lost again..know not where..
I worry, I whine, I complaint, I sulk, I cry, I disdain..I find faults in the system, I curse it and yet I want to do something about it, the helplessness now shatters me, makes me want to scream out loud and scream until the other voices die out and I wait..I wait for it to pass...for everything does and this too shall..
The order of things..the things in order,I admire,anything out of it is forever-disturbing, annoying, causing paranoia..I know not why..I try to control but the anxiety grows and I begin to wonder why and am lost again..I know not where...I want to come back but I know not how..